Why is “Family Ministry” so confusing? It threatens our church, that’s why!

I am working on a large data sample for a conference in October that seeks to make sense of “Family Ministry” that I’ve heard so many are feeling pain in coming up with a suitable solution. Larry touches on it in his list of trends and so does my colleague, Christine Yount Jones, in a helpful article last year in Children’s Ministry Magazine.

Some feel that “Family Ministry” should be holistic. Such as Ivy Beckwith’s clan linking intergenerational approaches within the church. This is not a new command from educators and professors who are dissatisfied with how we divide on a weekend in worship. I studied this option when I was at BIOLA University in the early 80s reading Dennis Guernsey who advocated as much in the 70s and 80s. Churches should accommodate worship for all ages and spiritual formation should not divide groups but unite them.

This is clearly a model used in smaller churches (they can) or in more mainline churches (they feel they have to) but not in progressive churches of any size. The LAST thing a normal family wants is to worship together all the time–who wants to parent in front of other accusing parents? Once in a while, maybe, but not routinely.

Then there’s the “Family Education” or “Parenting Education” model used by ministers of all age-stages that seeks to infuse a class or two on “terrible twos” or “financing college” to say we’ve “helped” the family. I have many friends who make a living in this manner through their ubiquitous workshops and seminars and they are as helpful as those in attendance feel they can be. But this doesn’t scratch the modern itch ministers feel to actually impose a spiritual intentionality to all parents in their congregation.

To scratch that itch we arrive at our contemporary dilemma. Most take up the clarion call of Barna’s dire statistics (begun with Transforming Children Into Spiritual Champions, though one has to beg the question what a “champion” like that looks like–I picture John the Baptist, but I doubt that is not what Barna would describe as “the best who ever was born among women”) to help parents obey their primary role as the person in charge of the spiritual nurture of their children. I find this mildly amusing only because if it works, what need do families have of Sunday school or midweek clubs? The cure could be worse than the disease! Am I right? Suppose families were to suddenly begin leading their children at night with prayers and in the morning with candid, casual scripture meditations over Raisin Bran (sorry, over Fruit Loops–I’m showing my age)? As Lyle Schaller says, “What if it works?” We won’t NEED Sunday school!!!! We’d be out of a job! Why would I need to send my kids to Sunday school? Some curriculum writers (not from Group Publishing) have indicated to me that their home connections are “part of a broader puzzle” that seeks to link Sunday with home. But that admission simply evinces their underlying fear that the weekend will become LESS important and thus eliminate the role of a children’s minister.

I find a deep cynicism among Bible College and Seminary professors about Children’s Ministry in general precisely because of this logical outcome! Modern Children’s Ministry has ELIMINATED the need for families to nurture faith in their kids! Hasn’t it? We provide a service FOR parents and have eliminated the guilt they may sense through one easy step: by encouraging weekend and midweek attendance! So what? Let’s be happy with this trend and not seek to find a way to push it back onto parents to a degree that makes our weekend education hours irrelevant (or redundant)! Beware the cure!

But what I think I hear among children’s ministers is the concern that parents actually are harming the good work our churches are doing by prioritizing the “cabin” time on the weekend, or dance competition, or soccer practice or ice time at hockey, or sleeping in and going to Sunday night worship only. Therefore they want to have a family focus on what is valued by our church, not what is claimed by culture! There, now, we’ve hit on the eternal rub we all face by living in two worlds. This is not a problem,however, that a new “family ministry” model will cure! It is only by ENGAGING parents in Christ’s priority for His people that we can eradicate the subtle creep of the secular over the sacred. And seriously, by not shaming parents but showing them a better way! This is ONLY done through community of Christ followers! Community happens when a parent can let down their defenses among THEIR PEERS and not in some silly aquarium where we all swim in the same worship service–they don’t let me talk in THAT room! Small group time, gatherings that are natural as they are unplanned (but not unscripted) and what families normally crave: support, shared values and pursuit of common dreams. Saying parents are not doing what they should do will simply cater to their anxieties in such a way as to lead them to AVOID YOU, the Children’s Minister. And just when you thought you found a “better model”, you will be frustrated because families are sooooo different so your model will only telegraph your anxieties! It’s like locking a child up in a room and making them listen to Preparing For Adolescence tapes as an antidote to STD’s! Now that’s normal!