Recovering My Soul…

The past three months has felt like being drug by a frieght train. Grace Church relocated and it was wonderful, truly wonderful. We’ve been praying for this answer to prayer for ten years. And God was kind enough to let our staff and volunteer teams being a part of that answer to prayer. 

But it’s been tiring. I never counted hours, but I’m guessing that the last six weeks leading up to the move were 65-75 work weeks. On top of that, construction delays pushed back our opening one month. The result was I had speaking and writing contracts happening concurrent with the last made dash of the move. That was decidely not the plan.

I’ve been pulling back on the hours heavily. That was an unavoidable season of stress, but it can’t be a life-style. But if I’m going to be honest with myself there is a pathological piece of me that thrives on the impossible. Even though my hours are improving, I’ve noticed that spiritually and emotionally, I’m just not quite right. There’s a low grade anger and irritation just below the surface that comes out whenever I encounter disorganization, complaining, or incompetence (real or perceieved). I’m becoming defensive. One of my leadership strengths is the ability to convert criticism into action. But lately, I’m at the edge of my capacity to hear it.

God’s been working on me, repeatedly, to recover my margins:

• A few weeks ago, my accountability group tackled Ecclesiastes. There’s nothing like working your tail off for the kingdom and then have Scriptures remind you that it’s all vanity. Ecclesiastes reminded me to “enjoy my bread, my wine, and my wife… everything else is vain.”
• Last week I fearfully approached my supervisor and told him that I would be late on a Success Map Goal (you’re just not late on those around here) by one month. I braced myself to discuss what it was about my leadership that led to the delay. Instead, Derek met me with understanding and a “No kidding you aren’t going to hit that goal.” He also expected me to use my untouched vacation time.
• I’ve rediscovered music. I love jazz and have been working on learning the Vince Guaraldi “A Charlie Brown Christmas” album on piano. It’s great for me. I’m rusty on piano and the concentration involved forces me to let go of work.  
• Last night I recieved a brief long distance call from a CM leader who was open about his struggles with time management. We didn’t talk about it, but his voice forced me to think about his journey.
• I read Jim Palmer’s Wide Open Spaces. Jim has a similar perfectionistic/achievement-based streak in him as I do. It was good to read about how he disengaged from it.
• I took twenty minutes to watch Craig Jutila’s leadership podcast, “Unlocking Your Leadership Potential, Part Two.” Craig frankly talked about his growth in this area and recovering balance. Craig looked at the same verses in Ecclesiastes that God had worked on me a few weeks ago.

Finally, this AM, I met with my leadership/accountablility group. Every week we met at Starbucks, and we’re a high-strung bunch. Aaron is a former NFL/CFL linebacker who is doing some amazing things in town for social justice and caring for children and teens that no one else has time for. David is one of my volunteers, but also an advocate for Latino issues. He’s also a city councilman. The three of us all bias toward action and over-action.

The question came up, why are we prone to this crazy pace. Our conclusion is that we expect things of ourselves that God does not. God enjoys us as children. Here’s a quote that came to my inbox that holds much meaning this advent.

“Advent invites us to stand up as children of God. Being children of God requires that we act like children. Cry when you need milk. Act silly to make God laugh. Listen to what God says. Throw things off the table and experience God’s patience. Curl up in the arms of God. Ask God to read you a story. Allow God to throw you up in the air. Play hide and seek with God. Allow God to play hide and seek with you. Cry when God goes away. Squeal with delight when God comes back. Listen to God say how much you are loved. Tell God of your love. This, without a doubt, is what Advent is all about.”
From /The Womb of Advent/ by Mark Bozutti-Jones